Field Guide to Astrological Types

 

Copyright 1995, 2013 by Kathy Biehl. All rights reserved. Permission is granted for electronic replication of this article only if you include the copyright notice.


Ever mindful of introducing our readers to provocative subjects (and irritating the non-metaphysically minded among you) (not to mention doing something with those yellowing manuscripts on the desk drawer), we bring you excerpts from years of ongoing astrological research. There's a little something to offend everyone.


This is not necessarily sun-sign astrology, by the way. There are, after all, at least 10 other planets and significant squiggles in a chart. The characteristics in this guide are indicative of a sign's strong influence somewhere in the subject's chart. In the lower left corner, say.


Aries through Virgo are below. Go here for Libra through Pisces.

 

ARIES
Characteristic markings: red shoes, tapping foot, trail of dust


Lucky number: One.


On the job: The quintessential entrepreneur; not a company man. Does not last

    long at lower rungs of hierarchy; either shoves everyone else out of the way

    (if his boss doesn't push him out first for insubordination) or runs out on his own

    because he can do it (whatever "it" is) better than anyone else.


In business meetings: Acts like he's in charge.


Special skills: Scheming. Ramrodding. Shoving.



The unevolved Aries: Picks fights for the hell of it.

       Is alarmingly fond of bulldozers.


The uncharitable might consider Aries: Pushy as hell.


Children's book: Go, Dog, Go

Movies:

Backdraft
The Charge of the Light Brigade
The General

Gladiator

RED (and not just for the title)


Philosophy: "I (and only I) am it."






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TAURUS
Characteristic markings: Equipped with blinders, even if only metaphorically.

     Frequently found amidst wood and natural fibers.  These are the people who

     keep L.L. Bean in business.


Characteristic behaviors: Using the word "my" to describe property owned with

    other people.


In business meetings: Can get nervous if things aren't explained step by step. Or

    steaming if things aren't going his way. Coping tip: If one attempts to commandeer

    or disrupt a meeting, look around the room for food (anything will do) and place it

    directly in front of the Taurus. Even bread will work as a distraction.


Special skill: Dexterity. These folks are incredible with their hands.


The unevolved Taurus: Does not know how to give presents. Talks only about what

    is staring him in the face. Can express concern for matters undetected by others,

    such as the decline in the quality of margarine. May find fulfillment working as a

    bank teller.


The uncharitable might consider Taurus: A stick-in-the-mud. When not a petty

    tyrant.


Fun fact: When Taurus shows something to you, he doesn't hand it over, but

    maintains a firm grasp while holding it out towards your eyes, if you’re lucky.



                                                                 Children's book:   Ferdinand the Bull


                                                          
Movies:
                                                           Chocolat

                                                           Diamonds are Forever
                                                           A Fistful of Dollars

                                                           Friends With Money
                                                           Greed
                                                           How to Marry a Millionaire
                                                           The Hunger
                                                           If I Had a Million
                                                           The Man Who Came to Dinner
                                                           Raging Bull
                                                           Splendor in the Grass
                                                                                                                                                                                                              

                                                           Philosophy: "I hold on to it."


GEMINI
Characteristic markings: An umbilical phone cord.


Characteristic behaviors: Eavesdropping on aeronautic weather broadcasts on

    short-wave radio. Disappearing when you want to have a serious conversation.

    About their behavior.


Dream Gemini surroundings: Imagine a house with six phones, cassette and

    compact disc players; speakers in every room (including the master bath, the

    Jacuzzitub of which has a box of Mr. Bubble on the ledge); two VCRs/DVD players    

    (one wired through Dolby speakers in upstairs bedroom, downstairs den and

    kitchen); and three televisions. This house actually exists. Guess what sign lives in

    it. Alone.


In meetings: Gemini is the one amusing himself (and everyone in eyeshot) with tiny

    electronic gadgets. (Is a stuffed toy in the room inexplicably and shockingly

    swearing? A Teletubby, perhaps? Someone’s got a remote for a swearing device

    he installed in the toy, and someone’s got Gemini prominent in the birth chart)


Special skills: Human contact software (what was once called a Rolodex). The

    perfect Trivial Pursuit teammate, the demon opponent. Knows all the tricks you    

    can do with the office phone system.


The unevolved Gemini: Has a 20-second attention span.


The uncharitable might consider Gemini: A Will o' the Wisp. Or liar.


Fun fact: This is the person who actually, until the last few years, actually called all

    the numbers in the front of the phone book.


Children's book: Peter Pan


Movies:

The Aviator
Broadcast News

Catch Me If You Can

Pirates of Silicon Valley
Short Circuit
Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines
Twins

Up in the Air


Philosophy: "I talk about it."

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CANCER
Characteristic markings: Exudes Mom-ness. Tends to un petit d' chub.

Characteristic behaviors: Honored to serve you food or beverages. Buys favorite

    foods by the case. May keep crustaceans as pets. Cries at nature films.

Dream Cancer surroundings: Home. Theirs.

In business meetings: This is a good person to assign to bring the doughnuts. While

    a few may get eaten along the way, that's okay, because Cancer will get too many

    in the first place.

The unevolved Cancer: Is prone to pouting.

The uncharitable might consider Cancer: Mommy's little cry baby.

Fun fact: Cancer men acquire china, crystal and silver regardless of the stiffness of

    their wrists.

Special skills:  Kissing it and making it better. Whatever it is.

Children's book: Are You My Mommy?

Movies:
Coming Home

Eat Pray Love

Fried Green Tomatoes

Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House
Mr. Mom

Mommy Dearest
Parenthood
Picnic

Terms of Endearment
Throw Momma From the Train
She's Having a Baby

Philosophy: "I nourish it. Is that all you're going to eat?"

LEO
Characteristic markings: Warm and unmissable (if not infectious) laugh.  Bugle

    beads, rhinestones and 14-karat gold.

Characteristic behaviors: Travels in packs, at the center. (If he can't be the center

    of attention, he doesn't want to play, hence those loner Leos.)


On the job: Likes a corner office. Acts like the boss even if he isn't, and often it’s

    only a matter of time till he is. Tends to be suaver about it than Aries.

In business meetings: Sits at the head of the table.

The unevolved Leo: Won't share his toys, and takes yours.

The uncharitable might consider Leo: The ambulatory center of the

    universe.

Fun fact: Did a lot of time as royalty in past lives and may not quite grasp current-

    -life surroundings or income levels.

Special skills: Grabbing restaurant checks.

Children's book: The Little Prince.

Movies:

Camelot

Despicable Me

Iron Man
The Man Who Would Be King

The Princess Diaries
Rich & Famous
A Star is Born


Philosophy: "I take all of it. If I'm feeling generous, I'll give you some."

VIRGO
Characteristic behaviors: Tells you how to live your life and, aggravatingly, is

    usually right. Looks forward to bathing.


On the job: Stashes vitamins, several brands of aspirin and its substitutes, and

    bandaids. Likes to read office supply catalogs.


Special skills: Expert on bath additives, over-the-counter medicines, and herbal

    aids.

The uncharitable might consider Virgo: Neurotic. The ultimate fussbudget.

Fun facts: These people do not sweat. Some have close personal relationships

    with office equipment. Others have a genetic inability to fling a jacket over a chair

    so that it crumples.

Virgo with a Vengeance: The following behaviors, extreme even for this sign, are

    taken from documented cases, observed by our own researchers.

        Vacuuming the carpets and washing the hardwoods every single day, and

        getting up at 4 a.m. to do it. (The predominant odor in this Virgo household

        was detergent.)

        Scheduling a specific time and day each week to refill ice cube trays.

        (Unearthing this habit required persistent inquiry, due to initially contradictory

        behavior. One of our field researchers actually saw a casebook Virgo toss

        empty ice cube trays into a refrigerator freezer, an action that in some parts

        qualifies for the death penalty. When pressed, the Virgo explained that he

        refilled his trays once a week, on Saturday afternoons. This experience

        demonstrates one of the fundamentals of our work: When surface

        appearances make no sense, dig deeper.)

Children's Book: The Physician's Desk Reference


                                                                                Movies:

                                                                                The Black Swan
                                                                                Civilization
                                                                                The Good Earth

                                                                                The Odd Couple

                                                                                Office Space

                                                                                Sicko
                                                                                Snow White

                                                                                What About Bob?

Philosophy:. "I analyze it. Do you think I'm worrying too much about it?"


Continue to Libra through Pisces


Excerpted from Ladies' Fetish & Taboo Society Compendium of Urban Anthropology
Falling Behind '94, Vol. VII, No. 3 & 4


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That performance of the Beck song almost defies description.  But the adjectives transgressive and eerily beautiful come to mind.


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