101 Ways to Sabotage Your Date

 

Copyright 1995 by Kathy Biehl. All Rights Reserved. Permission is granted for non-commercial electronic replication of this article, as long as you include the copyright notice.


DISCLAIMER: This piece is a relic from a simpler era....


These are confused, desperate times. Men and women are crossing wires more than paths.


A man may engage in actions that in earlier years signaled interest in a woman, and yet, no matter how overt and blatant they may be, even if he explicitly states he will phone her, there is no guarantee that the woman's phone will ring. Have telephone systems failed us on a community-wide basis? Is municipal water contamination to blame? Petrochemical poisoning? A generational failure in upbringing, perhaps?


Would that such simple, technology-based explanations were the case. Men and women are no longer sure what to do with each other. The concept of spending time together is fraught with philosophical and practical questions. What does it mean when two persons' time/space coordinates converge? What does it take for a shared experience to rise to the level of Date? What are the expectations of What will occur if a Date does take place? The subject stirs an uneasy mix of longing and ambivalence. The man most easily expresses his by inaction. But what route remains for the woman? What if her phone does in fact ring and she is so taken by surprise that she accepts an invitation? What if she is simply not up to the task of trying on five or six outfits before settling on the appropriate attire for the occasion, engaging in lighthearted discourse throughout and facing the inevitable question mark at the end of the event? What then are her options?


Desperate times spawn desperate solutions. If you can't say no, consider these ways to sabotage your date.


  1. 1.Go into hiding for the evening. Don't answer the door or your phone. Call him the next day demanding to know why the hell he stood you up. Act like he's crazy when he insists that he spent 10 minutes pounding on your door.

  2. 2.Apply make-up asymmetrically. Use different colors on each eye. Pink gives a black-eye effect.

  3. 3.Strew your coffee table with current issues of bridal magazines. Mark a few pages with paper clips or bent corners.

  4. 4.Have your mother meet him at the door.

  5. 5.Litter your living room with gay men's magazines. Open a few to the phone sex ads.

  6. 6.Greet him with a clay facial mask hardened across your features and excuse yourself to finish getting ready. For a Star- Trek-creature effect that even you will have trouble looking at, don't stir out all the lumps before applying the mask.

  7. 7.Fill your home with cats. Borrow from friends if you need to. Say good-bye to every single one before leaving.

8. Wear a pager, after having arranged to be beeped every 20 minutes.

9. Have another man meet him at the door.

10. Litter your living room with lesbian erotica.

  1. 11.Leave out a few vibrator catalogs or, better yet, Mr. Beaver himself.

  2. 12.For the steely-nerved: excuse yourself with Mr. Beaver and wait a good 10 to 15 minutes before returning flushed and dewy-eyed.


[Beware: 10-12 may backfire!]


  1. 13.Try a variation of a technique that actually succeeded with life insurance salesmen. Explain to your date that a scheduling error has been made and you have two simultaneous obligations. Introduce him to the other person from whom you have accepted an invitation. Suggest that the two of them hash out which one should get the pleasure of your company. Leave the room while they talk things over.

  2. 14.Have your child meet him at the door. Borrow one if you have none. Instruct the youngster to ask, Are you going to be my Daddy?

  3. 15.Offer your date a selection of appetizers artfully arranged on a platter -- such as Little Debbie Snack Cakes, pink and white Hostess Snowballs, bright orange Circus Peanuts, anchovies, pigs knuckles and squares of bologna and American cheese on white bread speared with stuffed olives.

16. Watch childbirth movies before you leave. Preferably together.

  1. 17.Ask him for a second date before you leave your house. 1

  2. 18.Whip out your Filofax, scan the next few months-at-a-glance, and offer him a selection of times for your follow-up date. Today we would say: the calendar on your phone.

19. Bring your mother along.

20. If he’s barely your height, wear the highest heels you can find.

  1. 21.Bring a child along. See No. 14.

  2. 22.Insist on driving, open doors for him and pay for everything before his hand hits his wallet. To really clinch it, give him a goodnight peck.

  3. 23.Bring your cat along.

  4. 24.Go to a film with grotesque and repulsive special effects involving the human body, such as The Fly, The Fly Two, Silence of the Lambs. Laugh at inappropriate places.

  5. 25.Do not look him in the eyes when you talk, but direct your gaze steadily somewhere in the vicinity, like his upper lip or left ear.

  6. 26.Drop by some place where you know an ex will be. Preferably an ex still under the mistaken belief that he has some dominion over you. Sit back and watch the testosterone fly.

27. Ask him how he feels about babies.

  1. 28.Disagree with everything he says.

  2. 29.Respond to everything he says with “Oh, isn't that nice,” and redirect the conversation to yourself.

  3. 30.Tell him you want to meet his mother.

  4. 31.Before he shows up, empty a bottle of expectorant, wash it out, fill it with water and stash it in your purse. Remove it periodically throughout the evening and take a swig or two with great flourish.

  5. 32.Arrange to accidentally run into friends at every stop of the way. Ask them point blank whether they'd spend the rest of the evening with him if they were you. Leave with them if you need to.

  6. 33.Tell him your mother wants to meet him.

  7. 34.Offer constructive suggestions for improving his appearance, such as plastic surgery.

  8. 35.Mention how many times you’ve caught a bridal bouquet.

  9. 36.Compliment him on the natural appearance of his hair implants. Preferably if he has none.

  10. 37.Ask him what his intentions are.

  11. 38.Every time he says something about himself, tell him that reminds him of something and then turn the conversation to another man. Preferably one that broke your heart big time.

39. Tell him he reminds you of your mother.

  1. 40.Ask him to marry you.

  2. 41.Talk about all the things your old boyfriends did that drove you crazy. Work in as many of your date's habits as possible.

  3. 42.Determine in advance which of your girlfriends is the most successful man-magnet. Arrange to cross paths with her, and let subliminal messages and hormones take their course.

  4. 43.Bark at men passing by.

44. Tell him you’re already engaged and invite him to your wedding.

  1. 45.Talk about all the people you know who've slept with him.

  2. 46.Disclose embarrassing details of how other men have disappointed you sexually. Laugh mercilessly.

47. Drool.

  1. 48.Carry along a roll of toilet paper and blow your nose frequently. Exaggerate the sound.

  2. 49.Hand him a questionnaire requiring disclosure of names, dates and phone numbers of every woman he's had sex with, being sure to pinpoint which ones had abortions during their relationship and/or still have keys to his place.

50. Call him by the wrong name, even after he corrects you.

  1. 51.Call him by several different wrong names.

  2. 52.Act like you've confused him with another man by referring to things that you haven't done together as if you have. Like the night of the whipped cream feeding frenzy.

53. Ask him to explain his jokes.

54. Close your eyes and snore while he’s talking.

  1. 55.Talk about your personal PMS symptoms.

  2. 56.Tell him that you’ve come to realize the intellectual soundness (not to mention reduced pharmaceutical costs) of lesbianism.

57. Tell him all about your dream wedding.

58. Casually mention your suspicion that your bedroom is regularly visited by aliens.

59. Talk about how many of your former boyfriends have turned gay.


At a movie theater or play:

  1. 60.Talk as much as possible. Ask questions constantly. Better yet, explain everything you re observing.

  2. 61.Engage the person next to you in conversation.

  3. 62.Hold hands with the person next to you.

  4. 63.When the person next to you gets up, follow him outside. Go into the restroom, mess up your hair and clothes. Return to your seat in 15-20 minutes.

64. Leave with the person next to you.


At a restaurant:

65. Eye the waiter from head to toe, with long pauses at places just below your eye level.

66. Flirt outrageously with the waiter.

67. Ask the waiter what he’s doing later that night.

68. Make a date with the waiter.

69. Eye every man who walks by. For extra emphasis, halt conversation while you do this.

70. For a keep ‘em guessing effect, try 65-69 with women.

  1. 71.Order the most disgusting looking dish on the menu and eat it with relish. Or mayonnaise.

  2. 72. Order for him. If he attempts to speak for himself, correct the request to your liking (with with bemused exasperation) and instruct the waiter to ignore him. Use your best Billie Burke laugh and delivery.

73. Help yourself to food from his plate without asking.

  1. 74.Discuss a recent operation or illness (anyone’s will do) in excruciating medical detail.

  2. 75.While eating, talk with your mouth wide open. Play lookee and act like it’s hysterically funny.

76. Eat your salad with your fingers.


More restaurant or bar tactics:

77. Loudly acknowledge every man you recognize.

78. Invite another man to join you.

79. Greet this man effusively and physically.

80. Kiss the newcomer on the mouth. Lingeringly.

81. Direct your gaze downward, longingly, at the newcomer while your date is talking.

82. Offer the newcomer food and drink. Especially your date' s.

83. Put your hand on the newcomer's thigh.

84. Put your arm around the newcomer.

85. Sit in the newcomer's lap.

86. Spill your beverage all over the table. In your date s direction.

87. Talk about every difficult pregnancy you ve heard of. Or can think of.

88. Leave periodically to make phone calls.

  1. 89.Slurp your beverages.

  2. 90.Reminisce freely about past boyfriends. Be sure to include plenty of vital statistics. Sigh and let your eyes glaze over when you hit particularly juicy numbers or memories.

  3. 91.Tell your date you have something for him that will change his life. Smile slyly while digging through your purse. Hand him a copy of The Watchtower and launch into a witnessing spiel.

  4. 92.Each time he mentions a possession, point out that his is okay, but the one you have is better.

93. Gossip incessantly about people he does not know.

  1. 94.Tell him that you're a witch. Especially if it's true.

  2. 95.Have a group of friends walk up and flash Olympic judging scorecards with nothing higher than a 6.

  3. 96.Arrange for someone to be at the door when you get home. Your mother, say. Even better, another man.

  4. 97.Excuse yourself. Go to the restroom and rub brown eye shadow into the circles below your eyes. Return to table and act naturally. Best if you do this several times, applying increasingly darker coats.

  5. 98.Confide a secret fantasy of castrating men. Especially old boyfriends. Stare off into space and let your eyes grow big.

  6. 99.As the evening careens towards that fateful moment, pop a jawbreaker into your mouth and talk while you're chewing. Be generous; offer him one, too.

  7. 100.Give him a goodnight hug and kiss, turn your head, and throw up.

  8. 101.Excuse yourself from the table and call a girlfriend. Give her the number of where you are. Arrange for her to devise an emergency, call the establishment, and ask for you to be paged. Act convincing when the call comes. Yes, I know. This would be done by cellphone now.

Warning! Use at your own risk! Only a few of these tactics have been tested by members of the Society and their friends. LF&TSCofUA does not guarantee the success of the tactics and disclaims all responsibility for any emotional or financial injury resulting from their use.


BONUS! 102 FOR THE PRICE OF 101! Interrupt conversation periodically to smash imaginary roaches with your shoe.


Okay, okay! We admit it! No. 102’s for real! But it was pretty obvious, wasn't t it? As for the others, speculate all you want (as if we could stop you), but we're not telling. Yet.


Excerpted from Ladies' Fetish & Taboo Society Compendium of Urban Anthropology
Heat Wave '94, Vol. VII, No. 2


back to the Cafe